It's the start of a new year, so it's kinda fun to look back over what the website has done in 2009...

Number of unique visitors in 2009: 503,475

Best Month of 2009: Dec 2009

Highest number of visitors in 1 day: 5862

Lowest number of visitors in 1 day: 2409

Most popular blog entry: The Big Announcement!

Top 25 countries of origin by number of visits:

1	US
2	Australia
3	Germany
4	Russian Federation
5	New Zealand
6	Poland
7	Canada
8	United Kingdom
9	Switzerland
10	Netherlands
11	Indonesia
12	Italy
13	India
14	Brazil
15	Malaysia
16	Japan
17	Austria
18	France
19	Belgium
20	Denmark
21	Luxembourg
22	Mexico
23	Romania
24	Argentina
25	South Africa

And finally, the Top 5 Weirdest Search Strings that brought visitors to the site:

victoria manley happy valley or

grannys channel.com

hytest metatarsal safety boots in kansas city

yovo silk slip sex

yvonne strahovski pregant

503,475, huh...

I should start charging for advertising...

 

Spent the afternoon vegging out in front of the TV watching the One Day International cricket match between Australia and New Zealand.

Loved it. It's almost as much fun beating the Kiwis at cricket as it is beating the Poms.*

But I have to say, it's time we took this team of fine, talented young men and turned them into something that looks like our national pride and joy, and not like they were rounded up at the local homeless shelter.

Seriously. Gillespie has a mullet. The normally drop-dead gorgeous Nathan Brackan was wearing a girlie headband to keep the hair out of his eyes, today. And-Man of the Match or not-with those dreads, Symmonds looks like one of those old politically incorrect golliwog dolls (particularly when he's wearing white zinc cream on his lips).

We have the best cricket team in the world. They have a batting coach. They have a bowling coach. They even imported a baseball fielding specialist from the US to improve the team's fielding skills.

Surely, if we can pack stadiums with tens of thousands of people for a match, we can cough up for a national team stylist?

And while on the subject with how they look, what's with the new One Day uniforms? I'm sure metallic gold looks great in the flesh, but it looks drab and boring on TV. The green is so dark it almost looks black. Good thing the other team were holding the bats, otherwise I wouldn't have known which side was which.

Bring back the old uniforms, I say...

Better yet, why not make them play, say... shirtless.... I mean, is there really any need to cover up those well formed arms, and nicely toned pecs, and beautifully scuplted six-packs....

In fact, if we did that, who'd be looking at their hair, anyway?

tee hee:)


* Note the vast North American readership of this blog. Don't try to make sense of this entry. It's an Aussie cricket thing.

Got an email recently from a fan, which had the comment “I wish I could see the world the way you do. I would help my own writing so much.” The unfortunate truth, however, is that nobody will ever see the world the way I do. Unless they’re a synesthete.

A what? I can hear you ask…

Allow me to enlighten you poor souls whose senses stop at five, and introduce you to the wonderful world of synesthesia.

*Fallon assumes lecturing tone*

“The word synesthesia, meaning "joined sensation", shares a root with anaesthesia, meaning "no sensation." It denotes the rare capacity to hear colours, taste shapes, or experience other equally startling sensory blendings whose quality seems difficult for most of us to imagine. A synesthete might describe the colour, shape, and flavour of someone's voice, or music whose sound looks like "shards of glass," a scintillation of jagged, coloured triangles moving in the visual field. Or, seeing the colour red, a synesthete might detect the "scent" of red as well. The experience is frequently projected outside the individual, rather than being an image in the mind's eye. (Cytowic, 1989, 1993). …Females and non-right-handers predominate, the trait is familial, and memory is superior while math and spatial navigation suffer.”

Note the math thing, people. This explains soooo much about me. If only the Taxation Department would get up to speed on the perils of synesthesia, maybe they’d stop sending me those letters…

Okay… let me explain. In my world, days of the week are all coloured. Numbers live on a single consecutive line that looks like a piano keyboard in my head. Fractions are iffy, and hide on the black keys where I can’t see them. I had to consciously add negative numbers to the line when I discovered they existed in the third grade and as for algebra… sorry, in my world it’s physically impossible, so I just pretend it doesn’t exist.

Oh, and music gets me too. Usually classical and only certain rhythms or melodies set me off. I can be totally unmoved by the saddest song ever written. Hooked on Classics, however, will make me cry. (That's seriously embarrassing, BTW)

I only discovered I had this rare condition when I was laying in bed one Sunday morning about 8 years ago, half-listening to a lecture on the ABC Radio by Robert Cytowic, who wrote the book, The Man Who Tasted Shapes. He was talking about the strange phenomenon of people who associated words and colours, number lines, music and emotions, and all this other weird, cross-sensory stuff. At which point, I began to realise he was describing the world as I saw it and calling it a “condition”.

I was stunned, because it never occurred to me that everyone else didn't see the world the same way. Turns out, that’s quite common, too. According to Cytowic, “synesthetes are surprised to discover that others do not perceive words, numbers, sounds, taste, and so forth as they do. Though they recall having always had their idiosyncratic perceptions as far back as they can remember, any mention of them at an early age characteristically prompted ridicule and disbelief. Despite keeping the experience private and hidden, it remained vivid and irrepressible, beyond any wilful control.”

So… here’s what is known about synesthetes:

• Synesthesia runs in families. Either sex parent can pass the trait to either sex child.
  
• Women synesthetes predominate.
  
• Synesthetes are preponderantly non-right-handed. (Not true in my case)
• Synesthetes are normal in the conventional sense. (Hmmm.. that’s questionable…hehehe)
  
• They appear bright, and hail from all walks of life.
• Clinically, synesthetes seem mentally balanced. Their MMPIs are unremarkable except for non-stereotypical male-female scales. Standard neurological exams are also normal.
• Not only do most synesthetes contend that their memories are excellent, but cite their parallel sensations as the cause, saying for example, "I know it's 2 because it's white."
  
• Conversation, prose passages, movie dialogue, and verbal instructions are typical subjects of detailed recall.
  
• The spatial location of objects is also strikingly remembered. Synesthetes perform in the superior range of the Wechsler Memory Scale.
• Within their overall high intelligence, synesthetes have uneven cognitive skills. The majority may have subtle mathematical deficiencies (such as lexical-to-digit transcoding). Right-left confusion (allochiria), and a poor sense of direction for vector rather than network maps are common.
• As a group, synesthetes seem more prone to "unusual experiences" than one might expect. Deja vu, clairvoyance, precognitive dreams, a sense of portentousness, and the feeling of a presence are encountered often.
  
• For most people, synesthesia is ineffable, that which by definition cannot be imparted to others or adequately put into words.

So… there you have it. My weirdness has a name. If you want to read the full article from which I have liberally borrowed, go here.

Oh, and after I listened to the lecture, I got out of bed and walked into the dining room where the kids were eating breakfast.

What colour is Tuesday? I asked. The girls answered immediately, with the colour they associated with that particular day of the week (they were different to mine). They thought that was perfectly normal, and that everyone thought of Tuesday the same way they did.

My son looked at the three of us, shook his head, and said, you guys are nuts.

Guess we’ll have to find another reason to explain his weirdness. It sure ain’t synesthesia:)

It’s scary the number of people who find this site by Googling the phrase “ways to kill people”. Even more disturbing is the number of people who are apparently looking for “ways to torture people”.

What going on out there, guys?

Anyway, as is my wont, rather than condemn these disturbed and probably dangerous individuals, I will indulge them. I mean, some of them might know where I live…

Jenny’s Top Ten Ways to Torture People

10. Advertise the Sci-fi Channel is starting up in   their area and then make it impossible to sign up for the service.

9.  Bamboo slivers under the fingernails.

8.  Play the Macarena to them constantly, make them dance ‘til they drop, refusing to let up until they have told you everything they know.

7.  Sleep deprivation.

6. Give your victim’s name and phone number to a shiny new Amway recruit with the assurance that you know they are looking for financial independence.

5.  I suspect anything involving a kitchen blender will work a treat

4.  Make them listen to a looped recording of “Achy Breaky Heart”. Even the hardest nut will crack after a few hours

3.  Chainsaws can be very persuasive

2.  Send off one of those reply paid forms to Reader Digest with the address of your intended victim on it. Make sure you tick the “Yes! I want to hear about your frequent special offers!” box.

1. Torment your victim with a blanket campaign of television and print advertisements, reminding them that everyone in the country has broadband except them.

The final word on torture, however, comes from the matchless pen of Joss Whedon. It was the first episode of Buffy I ever watched (Becoming, Part II, I believe it was). From that moment on, I was hooked.

Angelus, when he’d gone all evil and was preparing to torture Giles:

"I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws..."

On the advice of my new Business Manager, I have decided to start a business, namely Minion Recruitment Services Inc.

He tells me I need to increase my income, you see,  in order to afford the house which will allow me to live in the manner to which I so desperately wish to become accustomed. 

As a recruitment agency, I can make lots and lots of money, hiring out minions. I even have the ad prepared for Monster.com.

A career as a minion is a worthwhile occupation that rarely gets the publicity it deserves. Perks include interstate, international and inter-galactic travel (rape and pillaging are usually included) the chance to lord it over lesser beings and nifty uniforms (often featuring lots of leather) are usually provided by the employer.

On the down side, promotion is gained by your superior officer being killed and demotion is usually at least six feet under.

Evil Overlords are equal opportunity employers. Ugly and otherwise deformed beings frequently find a fulfilling career in this field, however outstanding beauty can be an added bonus if you’re planning to advance to the Mistress/Concubine/Love Slave category, which can be a stepping stone for those hoping to advance to the level of Evil Overlord themselves.

The essential selection criteria for this position:

• No discernable morals
• A really evil laugh (this is a skill that can be learned and there are courses available if required)
• A high tolerance for pain
• The ability to suck up to a complete megalomaniac and still keep a straight face

Frequently Asked Questions

I am a beautiful virgin whose brilliant scientist father has been kidnapped by an Evil Overlord so that he will build the ultimate weapon of mass destruction Will I be able to find work in this field in order to free my father?

This is a common question, and we advise that if you do chose a career as a minion, then perhaps you should bring this fact to you future employer’s attention. Evil Overlords are renowned for their generosity in cases like yours and frequently raise people such as yourself to positions of high authority. Good luck with your quest!

I was a weak and scrawny child who was bullied unmercifully at school. Will I be able to find my niche as a minion?

Absolutely! People such as yourself make ideal candidates as minions, and you will have many opportunities to redress these insults during your career.

Further Information

If you have any further questions about this much maligned and misunderstood career, please contact info@iwanttobeaminion.com and we will send you a complete recruitment package.

Please note: due to privacy laws, we will need your permission to do a police check on you. If you are not able to provide this, or do not already have a criminal record, please call our career advisory officer who can advise of the preferred criminal charges that will enhance your application.