I saw this meme on a site the other day (although I can’t remember which author with a sick sense of humour started it) but the challenge was to post the best/worst 1 star reviews authors have ever received on Amazon.

So, of course, I had to go looking. This turned out to be quit a bit of fun. There weren’t that many, but it’s absolutely amazing what some people dislike about a book. And funny, too.

Medalon (Amazon US – 32 reviews – 2 of them 1 star)

7 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

 A few words of warning..., June 20, 2005

This book contains violent rape and torture in multiple scenes. During the middle-to-last half of the book, it seems like the female lead is enduring either being beaten and/or raped, having a friend of hers being beaten or raped even more violently in her stead, or being put through some type of physical, mental, or magical pain. It made me very, very angry, and I didn't feel like the remainder of the book, or any attempt at character development, made up for this assault on my senses.

I think a good deal of fantasy readers have stumbled on this type of story before and many enjoy this formula. For those who love it, or are able to desensitize themselves enough to take pleasure in the book anyway, please read and enjoy! However, for the readers who really don't like this type of fantasy (and why oh why does it always seem to be written by women?), please be wary. The other reviews on this site led me to purchase this book, and I never suspected what I was getting into.

[I read this review and thought “what the?”. Had to check the title to make sure it was Medalon they were talking about. I’d like to get hold of this edition. Not the one I remember writing. Sounds interesting

BTW… I believe the sales peaked on Medalon the day this review was posted! ]

3 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

 NAMES!, April 25, 2005

I was really looking forward to this after reading the other reviews here. But after 5 pages, I got a heroine with an unpronounceable name, "Lord Draco", and "Lord Wolfsbane".

Lord Draco? Are you kidding me?

[For the record, there is no Lord Wolfsbane in the series…hahaha]

Lion of Senet (Amazon US – 30 reviews – 2 of them 1 star)

3 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

 depressing read, yuch characters, April 26, 2005

When I read I book the 1 thing I ask for is at least 1 character that I can like. All of these characters were obsessed with power and just plain nasty. the plot does not really go anywhere, except down hill, and you end the book with a bad taste in your mouth that no amount of chocolate can get rid of.

hated it enough to write this review!

[I haven’t tried the chocolate solution, but it sounds like fun. I’m also inclined to think that if this person had read it on not tried to, you know… eat it… just a thought…]

Wolfblade  (Amazon US – 11 reviews – 1 of them 1 star)

3 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

Really bad book, April 28, 2006

This book is one of the worst I have read in a while. I did not finish it because I just couldn't bring myself to care about the characters, which were wooden. There are so many good fantasy writers out there that I just can't see wasting any more time with the trite and tiresome Ms. Fallon.

[Trite and tiresome”. Hmmm… why not ridiculous and rascally? Poor and putrescent? Terrifying and tormented? Scandalous and scabrous? I mean… if you’re going for the alliteration, one should make the most of it, don’t you think?]

Mind you… once I started on this quest, I decided to see what was happening over at Hogwarts, where JK Rowling copped a whopping 62 1 star reviews (out of over 3000, it has to be said… which make her percentages way better than mine, I suspect) my favourite of which contained the following insightful analysis…

“There are hundreds of things I loved about Harry potter and the Deathly Hallows, and millions of things I hated with the fire of a thousand suns.

One word review: SUCKITUDINOUS.

This book is just bad.”

How’s that - a billionaire AND she has fans who can make up words like suckitudinous. Some people have all the luck:)

So come on, all you other authors out there… let’s see if your critics can top “suckitudinous”. Mine can’t…

It appears reviews don't know their numbers either..

The first review talks about the middle to last half of the book... but couldn't finish it. The last half of the book implies that the review had already read much of it? Oh well...

and I agree I am going to have to go back and reread Medalon. I really don't remember all that sex/rape/torture, and now I am worried that I obvious missed some subtle subplot you had going... I don't like missing out on things...

The other issue I have with these book reviews... is what other books are they reading? You have no ability to tell if they even read the genre normally... maybe all the first reader has read is Mills & Boon, hence her not likely the sez scense (because we all know that Mills & Boon don't have sex scenes, they are just simulated!)

lol maybe it is her idea of fantasty that is off....

hah! I'm not the only one to try and rationalise the desire to eat chocolate while reading.

Are you asking me to give you a bad review, I am sure I can manage better than suckitudinous :)

I'll agree your later works are IMHO better than your first but that makes sense

Hehe. Great reviews!
I know Paperbackwriter was doing something like this, but I'm not sure if she started it.

Holly Lisle's used the term suckitudinous before. I don't know if that's where the reviewer got it from (or which was written first, to be honest) but here's the article -

http://hollylisle.com/fm/Workshops/suckitudinous.html

Oh dear ><

The funniest Amazon review I ever read was something along the lines of
"OMG this book read just like Tolkien! Cept I never read Tolkien, I only watched the movies, but OMG the writing style was exactly the same!"

*shudders*

Ok I know it was the point...but the review on Lion of Senet peeves me (speaking as someone who has gotten upsards of 6 outsiders hooked on you via that series)

I respect that everyone is entitled to their opinion - but some of these reviews are just juvenile!

As one of your avid readers (or, rather -devourers- of your novels) I personally love it when:

* Your characters get beaten-up, trashed and unexpectedly tortured. It's macabre - but their struggle makes the outcome of that character's journey so much more worth arriving at! :)
* I come across a character who is 'obsessed with power and just plain nasty' - although I wouldn't use as simplistic a description as that. My favourite characters so far have been Jaxyn and Marqel. Why? Because I adore reading about someone who is so far removed from your own way of thinking. You seem to write these characters in such a way, that... you follow that character's thought-processes and justifications - so confident in their actions that they almost convince the reader as 'acceptable'!
I -adore- that!

I am currently half-way through 'The Palace of Impossible Dreams', and when I'm not reading the book - I'm thinking about the book - I like to spend the time speculating and twisting around the possible outcomes in my head... the suspense is half the enjoyment.

Although, Jennifer - I'm sending you a bill for a new saucepan! As I, while unable to un-glue your last book from my hand, attempted to read while cooking - and seriously burnt macaroni to the bottom of the pot beyond all repair.

See you at Supanova!

I just finished re-reading the Second Sons books and I felt the same amount of mixed emotions the third time round that I did the first. I love it when authors are able to conjure such extreams in their characters that some of their thought processes make you want to scream out loud and stop reading there and then but if you did you wouldn't know how it all ends. As for not having any characters to like, I found plenty.