I got to thinking today (after wondering yesterday why there are no heroes in fiction with fluid retention) about the ways it is acceptable in fiction to kill off characters … so I thought I’d make a list, which is probably symptomatic of incipient OCD, but what the hell. Everyone needs a hobby.

• Bladed Weapons of any kind. It is a given, however, that your hero will be able to take any amount of punishment up to and including being stabbed in a vital organ, while the bad guy will go down with a single cut.

• Firearms. The bigger the better. See Bladed Weapons about how many shots it takes to kill someone. It is also a given that your hero will be a better shot than your minions of evil.

• Bare Hands/Fist Fights, Martial Arts etc. Very useful, but your hero must fight honourably while your minions of evil may beat little old ladies to death. Killing someone with your bare hands is only acceptable if the reader believes your hero has killed in self-defence or is performing a community service.

• Energy weapons. Useful because they can also be set to stun and apparently nobody ever has an adverse reaction to being knocked unconscious by several thousand volts or pretty green lights. Be warned though, energy weapons should — theoretically — cauterise a wound on the way through, not make it bleed. Only useful if you don’t want buckets of blood splashing about for people to slip on and sprain something…

• Childbirth. The most popular way to remove an unwanted female character. (Thank you, Trudi)

• Plagues. Especially good for removing large swathes of the population, although rather icky if you have to describe it in detail. Incubation periods will vary, depending on the medium. Most TV plagues manifest in exactly the amount of time it takes to kill off the only person who knew the secret to synthesising the vaccine, forcing the promising underling (jaded yet brilliant outcast… whatever), to come to the rescue.

• Explosions - bombs, air raids, etc. Always a nifty way to dispose of people, either in small or large quantities. You must, however, have a digital readout counting down to zero. Failing that, having your character show a picture of his girlfriend to a buddy will alert us to the fact that he's about to be blown limb from limb. Curiously, all cute furry creatures seem to be immune from them, and will invariably stagger out of the ruins, unharmed.

• Natural disasters. Same as Explosions. You may replace the digital readout with a scientist nobody will listen to.

• Wildlife of all kinds. Snakes on a Plane. Say no more.

• Nuclear weapons. Unless you’re writing a post-apocalyptic epic, best to use this method at the end of the book… hmmm?

• TB and all other inexplicable diseases of the lungs. The severity of the cough will be directly related to how beautiful/handsome and tragic the character is. Remember Nicole Kidman’s character in Moulin Rouge singing up a storm while stopping every half hour or so to politely cough into her lacy white hanky which would come away delicately spattered with blood, so we’d all know she was dying? You get the idea.

• Zombification. A very useful tool. Removes the character but leaves you with an evil minion to wreak havoc on your heroes. Sort of what happens to people who join political parties.

• Cancer, AIDS and all other diseases. Take your pick. The severity of the symptoms will also depend on how beautiful/handsome and tragic the character is. Diseases must fall into the “acceptable” category, however. Nobody should ever die from stress incontinence. Not unless there is magic involved.

• Exsanguination. The fatal process of total blood loss. It’s what vampires and serial killers do. How much blood you have on the floor afterwards will depend on whether it was a vampire or a serial killer doing the exsanguinating.

• Native magic. This is cool but you can run into trouble and easily offend the very people who actually know how to do it, which is a very bad idea. There are documented cases of Australian Aborigines dying after the Kadaicha Man pointed a bone at them. Use sparingly and with permission.

• All other forms of magic. Anything goes. A truly inventive magical death would be where the sorcerer casts a spell on someone that makes them retain so much fluid that they fill up like a water balloon and eventually they explode in a big splash and…

OK, I know. I’m getting ridiculous. I shall stop now.

Feel free to add to the list.

I've seen childbirth used as a means to quieten a very talkative character too. Nothing like early labour, that skips the second stage altogether to leave one with no breath left to speak. That was their big scene in the book, too! *g*

Traps! They are sadly out of vogue these days and usually of the non-lethal variety.

When I was about twelve or so, I decided to write a list of all the possible ways people could die. I ended up with almost 250 without doubling up synonyms except where I included "disease" and a few specific ones. Looking back, I find only a little difficulty in remembering why I included "xylene".

Kindness. Kindness is a sure-fire way to kill characters who think they're Cinderella but are actually random pitiful victims.

Medieval curses. Not nearly enough characters die from Medieval curses.

Poison kept hidden in oversized rings until a suitable overspiced drink presents itself. If the oversized ring doesn't seal properly presumably the poisoner dies from seepage if the ring gets wet. This is why poisoners should never go walking in the rain.

I'd better stop there before I start going through my kitchen cabinet to find suitable poisons to accompany my Medieval. I can't be kind, either. Must remember that. Poison no. Curses no. Kindness no.

Repeat after me "Jennifer Fallon is a very bad influence." I need a tee-shirt that says this.

"...while the bad guy will go down with a single cut."

Except in 80s action movies where, at the moment when the hero and heroine are having their post-life-threatening-situation kiss, the bad guy suddenly appears, bleeding but alive, to give the audience one last moment of terror before being dispatched more effectively.

And don't forget the other classic 80s Bad Guy Demise - somehow Bad Guy and hero end up hanging, suspended above a fatal drop, and the Bad Guy's attempts to make the hero fall only result in him losing his grip and .....aaaaaaaaahsplat!

Hrrmm... very useful.

Unfortunately (well, fortunately for me, but it does make me look a little psychopathic), I have a rather large list of how to torture people to death. I guess that's what happens when you read too much fantasy, horror and ancient history.

Back in high school a friend and I wrote 101 ways to kill a mocking bird, just for fun (as you do). There are so many interesting ways to die...

muhuhahahaha...

Internal bleeding from a fall or being beaten into a pulp... nice.
Depending on the character you want to kill this can be a very nice way to end it all. I find if it's a good guy who's dieing, you can make them say a few strangled words to a close friend - without having to shatter the mood by describing the wounds. Blood was flickered down her pale, cold lips will do!
If it's a bad guy - he can slowly die whilst being told a valuable lesson by his killer.
Internal bleeding: opens doors to scenes that can really pluck at your heart strings, especially if you have created strong bonds with the character dieing and the reader.

Happy writing everyone!

PS I'm an aspiring author myself and found your site very helpful Miss Fallon - thank you!

My favourite way that a hero has died, well, he hasn't yet, the series isn't finished but I'm sure that if he loses anymore limbs he'll just drop dead...

An Arm, A Finger (before he lost the arm), A foot, most of his hair (not technically a limb but a terrible loss anyway)

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