Dace is going on an excursion at school to the Far Away Tree tomorrow, so they’ve been instructing the kids about what to do if they happen to encounter a snake — freeze and wait until it moves on, is the preferred course of action, in case you’re wondering — which Dace assures us he can do very well, because that’s what T-rexes do, and he’s been practicing being a Tyrannosaurus Rex (like all six year old boys the world over, he’s going through a dinosaur phase at the moment.).

Teaching kids out here about snakes is as important as teaching kids who live near the ocean how to swim. When I worked at the Alice Springs Youth Centre, at least 3 times a year we’d have to get the Parks and Wildlife Rangers in to remove a brown snake from the skate bowl, before we could let the kids into skate.

Anyway, since Dace’s school is some way out of town, surrounded by untamed bushland, rather than rolling playing fields, such instruction is essential. Of the ten top venomous snakes in the world, eight of them live around here, including the Inland Taipan (a single bite contains enough venom to kill 100 adult humans.), which is the most venomous snake in the world, and the common brown snake (which is called common because it is very common), which comes a close second. According to the CSIRO, there are 1050 species of reptiles and frogs in with 169 of these occurring in the southern half of the Northern Territory, and a goodly propoion of them with either kill you or land you in hospital.

You’ll sleep better tonight now you know that, won’t you?

Pretty much everyone who’s lived here for a while, has a snake tale to tell. I had a cat once, named Lumpy, when we lived in Tenant Creek, who would catch baby brown snakes and bring them home as presents — often still alive. None of this girlie ‘catching rats and mice’ for our moggies. They breed ‘em tough in the Territory. The look-mum-I-brought-you-a-snake-becaue-I-love-you routine happened so often, and because the kids were just toddlers at the time, I got into the habit of keeping a hammer near the front door, so I could bash Lumpy’s presents to death before one of the kids picked them up and started to play with them.

Still, I’d rather deal with snakes than sharks — one of the many reasons I live thousands from klms from an ocean. In fact, I don’t get the whole human fascination with the sea at all. As far as I’m concerned our ancestors climbed out of the primordial oceans for a damn good reason and I see no reason to buck several million years of evolution by trying to return to it.

Besides, on land, we humans are right at the top of the food chain. In the ocean, we’re way down there with the plankton. I’ll stay here in the desert, thanks, with my venomous snakes, scorpions and, spiders …

After all, I have a hammer and I’m not afraid to use it.