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06-Nov-2006

Jenny's Top Ten Ways to Torture People

Posted At : 2:59 PM | Posted By : jenny
Related Categories: Most Popular Blogs, Lists
Mood: Distrurbed
Now reading: The Immortal Prince Galley Proofs

It’s scary the number of people who find this site by Googling the phrase “ways to kill people”. Even more disturbing is the number of people who are apparently looking for “ways to torture people”.

What going on out there, guys?

Anyway, as is my wont, rather than condemn these disturbed and probably dangerous individuals, I will indulge them. I mean, some of them might know where I live…

Jenny’s Top Ten Ways to Torture People

10. Advertise the Sci-fi Channel is starting up in   their area and then make it impossible to sign up for the service.

9.  Bamboo slivers under the fingernails.

8.  Play the Macarena to them constantly, make them dance ‘til they drop, refusing to let up until they have told you everything they know.

7.  Sleep deprivation.

6. Give your victim’s name and phone number to a shiny new Amway recruit with the assurance that you know they are looking for financial independence.

5.  I suspect anything involving a kitchen blender will work a treat

4.  Make them listen to a looped recording of “Achy Breaky Heart”. Even the hardest nut will crack after a few hours

3.  Chainsaws can be very persuasive

2.  Send off one of those reply paid forms to Reader Digest with the address of your intended victim on it. Make sure you tick the “Yes! I want to hear about your frequent special offers!” box.

1. Torment your victim with a blanket campaign of television and print advertisements, reminding them that everyone in the country has broadband except them.

The final word on torture, however, comes from the matchless pen of Joss Whedon. It was the first episode of Buffy I ever watched (Becoming, Part II, I believe it was). From that moment on, I was hooked.

Angelus, when he’d gone all evil and was preparing to torture Giles:

"I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws..."

Comments (82)

Comments

I strongly suggest you have a matching set of torture devices as used by writers. My favourite-of-the-day (because I saw it in 3 books, one after the other after the other) is to introduce a brand new piece of information immediately before the plot-thing happens where that information is essential. The reader then tortures herself (in this case ) to find places it could have been introduced 50, 100 and even 150 pages earlier so that it would have felt like part of the narrative and not acted as a direct indication of the action (and in 2 cases the outcome of the action) ahead.

Noe of those books were yours, Jenny, which means I'm safe from your first lot of torture. Except I have the SF channel problem too. And in ACT the ads are for Transact and it two years for Transact to realise that it was too hard for them to run a cable from my neighbour's unit to mine.

Posted By Gillian / Posted At 11/6/06 6:20 PM

Relax, they're just writers looking for plot ideas. Mass murderers are much smarter.

9. I like Lost too

7. I do that to myself.

4. Ouchy Wouchy heart (Late Show) is much more fun.

3. That'll be the Doom of them

2. Evil, evil, evil.

1. You don't have broadband? *snicker*

Posted By spacejock / Posted At 11/6/06 6:31 PM

<i>Demons and Angels</i> by Dan Brown. Read aloud (obviously, the reader shall wear earplugs). And the book is heavy enough that every time the victim loses consciousness it can be used to whack them upside the head and bring them back to attention.

Alternatively, get them pregnant and leave them in the care of the Western Australian health service. That always works a treat...

Posted By Lee Battersby / Posted At 11/7/06 9:04 AM

My eleven year old has just endured the torment of the ages. We went away for four days. Day 2 his GameBoy battery goes flat and he can't find the charger. He brought it, just can't find it.
For the next day he was forced to play table tennis and pool and read books. Then afer 24 hours of heroic moping, by brother (cursed be his name), found it. Joy and pacivity returned.

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